5 Important Factors Women Don't Often Consider While Dating

~To My Single Sisters~

My husband and I when we were dating.  He asked me to be his girlfriend on this evening out! :)

As girls, we love romance!  There is something deep within us that desires to feel beautiful, to fall in love and to be loved.  :)  I've now been married for just over 7 years and through this time, there are many factors that I realized I never in a million years would have thought about or considered when dating and looking for my future husband.  But these crucial factors are seriously important and will take you through ups and downs, good and bad times, happy and mad feelings, and set you on a realistic path for a solid marriage.  I thought I'd share these "takeaways" with you!

NOTE:  I will not (in this post) discuss the following attributes you want when dating in this specific paragraph:
-He is a solid Christian (before he met you),
-He is trustworthy (all the time),
-He is kind and respectful to you (including he does not pressure you sexually).
If he is missing any of these "Duh!!!" attributes, then stop reading this post and break up with him.  (said with love) :)  For ALL Christian girls, these are hands-down, a given in any boy you consider dating!

As you consider dating/courting a boy, please take note of these crucial factors:
1 - Does he fight for you?
This term can be totally over-romanticized.  What I'm talking about is does he fight for your relationship when it is on the line?  Does he have the courage to face his issues that are holding him back from moving forward in your relationship?  Does he have the courage and humility to put his pride aside, when needed, and do whatever it takes to fix things and work through problems?  Because when you are married...there will be pressures, hard times (and good!), annoyances, mistakes made, etc. You want to know that when (not if) these things happen, that he will have the courage to stand up for you and your life that you've built.  You want to know that he is willing to do whatever it takes to fight for his family and to be the MAN that you and your future children can trust. Again, it's not IF hard times will come, it's WHEN.  This is life and be sure you build YOURS with a man who is courageous and will fight for you!

2 - Does he work hard and financially provide?
Maybe this is a controversial factor to some people.  I've heard it said that it doesn't matter how much money he makes, as long as there is love.  While this is true to a certain extent...let me tell you that 5 years (or however many years you choose!) after you're married and you have a couple of babies staring up at you...you're gonna want a solid income.  You're going to want a man that you can trust will work extra and work harder if needed to provide for your children.  Believe me, you will look at those precious children, and you'll want them to have the soccer lessons, the Children's Museum Pass, the vacation to Disney World, their room decorated in their favorite character.  I'm just being real.  And yes, there is a line between wanting more and more and more (spoiling and almost idolizing our kids), and wanting to give them a full and fun childhood.  I often have to catch myself and ask God to help me simply be content with all the MANY blessings I already have!  Yes!  But, I also think it's important to have a husband that will step out of his comfort zone to financially provide for the NEEDS of his family.  Obviously, we (girls) can take a part in this, as well!

3 - Does he have Christian, male friends?
As women, we will naturally want to talk, lecture, explain and "remind" our husband of changes he needs to make.  We'll give him valid reasons, sometimes beg and sometimes simply pray.  Even the BEST of men will do things, at times, that we disagree with and/or worry us.  So let me tell you...the general TALKING and EXPLAINING that we do as women, very rarely works.  Sometimes ALL we can literally do is pray.  I often pray that God would somehow speak through my husband's friends, or a male leader that he respects.  For whetever reason, there will be times when your husband is not willing to hear YOU.  This is when you will be SO thankful that he has strong, Godly, male friends who will give him the RIGHT advice, who will guide him back to his family, who will pray with him about "guy issues" and strengthen him to do the right thing.  This is HUGE.  There is something so powerful about a band of brothers...if your boyfriend does not have Godly (not just nice or church-going, but GODLY) close friends around him, beware.  If he DOES have this, your future self will be soooooo grateful and find such security in this.

4 - Does he have appropriate boundaries with other females?
Both of you want to GUARD you marriage and your relationships.  Does he need attention (do YOU?) from others?  When you get married - you are each other's best friend.  BEST FRIEND.  You come to each other first with good news, bad news, emotions, inside jokes, outings, fun, physical tough (duh), and just everything that a best friend would do (I tell my hubby that we're "best friends with benefits" - lol!).  These listed attributes and more should not be shared at all with others of the opposite sex.  Maybe some people think I'm too strict or a kinda crazy, but I don't care.  I don't care what "other people" think, I care about protecting my marriage for the long haul.  I care about creating a legacy for my children and for God.  And in this world today, there is toooooo much temptation, so I just set strict boundaries.

5 - Does he have some kind of desires and goals for the future?
Are you on the same page for your future?  Are you a goal oriented person, and he's not?  Do you look toward your future and want a certain type of lifestyle (and it's OK if you do) - is he in sync with that vision?  Again, don't look just at looks and charm in a man, because a few years down the road you truly will want to build a LIFE for your family.  I've seen girls get VERY frustrated and lose respect for their husband because they are driven and goal-oreinted and he's just not.  As a married couple, you want to be a TEAM - not on opposing teams!

6 - Is he respectful to your family?
I have seen previews for many teen movies where the boy is not liked by the father of the daughter... and they fight and the boyfriend like runs away with the daughter.  It all looks romantic, but it's not.  A man should not bring a wedge between a girl and her family (especially a girl and her father).  This is not a good sign.  It's not respectful of the girl, and creates drama and pain for the girl long-term.  Instead, a boyfriend should respect a girl's family and support her parents.  He should become a part of the family and form loving relationships with her parents.  This brings SO much more peace to you and your future!  Don't let the love songs and movies fool you!

Marriage is beautiful and amazing - it's wonderful to build your life with someone you can trust with your future and with your future children.  Choose wisely and pray fervently!

Xoxo,
Allison

Proverbs 20:6-7

Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?
The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him.

The Myth About the Bad Boy

Sorry, ladies, this is not a post about Ryan Gosling.  Lol!!!!

I put this picture of Ryan Gosling from "The Notebook" because I think this is every woman's dream man (one definition of dream = an unrealistic or self-deluding fantasy. Haha!) and mostly dream situation.  And not that I want to crush anyone's dreams...but sometimes I think that it's time for us girls to wake up.  Don't be mad at me!!! (sweet smile!)

I have to first state that this is my favorite part (pic above) of The Notebook! :)  I mean, after a Summer fling many years ago, this amazing guy is still pining after his true love.  When she comes back to see him (after years of zero communication), she finds that he is still desperately in love with her, is somewhat depressed with out her, and has actually built literally every part of his current life around her and hoping she'll return.  He even has grown out a beard because he just doesn't care as much about anything, including what he looks like, without her in his life (lol!).  Isn't that what we want?  A man who will forever and always, no matter what, be head-over-heels in love with us...almost depressed without us? We'll all answer "Yes!!!!" if we're honest.  Let's be clear - there is a reason why The Notebook is such a popular movie among women!

NOW - please hear me - I am not being cynical.  But what I want to share from my heart with single girls, is that The Notebook storyline is not real.  And what I mean by that, is for the most part (there are few exceptions), the rough "bad boy" in real life  that we are considering throwing our dignity, our virginity, our upbringing, our religion away for... he does not turn out like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.  Yes, there are a very few exceptions where the bad boy turns around and becomes a good guy.  But mostly, in real life, the bad boy does not change and become the faithful man of our dreams.  In fact, 99.9% of the time, he doesn't every change and instead leaves us feeling ashamed and regretful.  

Girls - I wish I could hold your hands, look into your eyes and plead with you.  Hold on to your dignity.  Do not wish it away for a guy who excites you, but you can not fully trust with your heart. Don't look for just charm, sexual attraction and only a feeling.  It has to go deeper than that.  Don't even just look for if he is a "nice guy" (some bad boys know how to turn it on and act super nice and charming around adults, but girls, you should know when it's an act!).  The truth is - it really doesn't matter that he's "a nice guy".  It doesn't matter that he acts polite around your grandma.  Who is he on the inside?  Is he someone to trust with your heart for the long haul?

Here are some questions to ask yourself when considering a boy to date (these aren't a definite checklist or anything, just some questions to make a point and to provoke some thoughts):

• Does he value you enough to not pressure you physically?  
• Does he treat you as a treasure and not a conquest?  (Doesn't brag to his friends or try to see "how far" he can get with you physically.)
• Is he okay with getting to know you in a friendship without physical touch?  
• Does he have courage to stand up for what is right?  Does he have courage to make needed changes?  Will he fight for you?
• Does he have friends (male) that you trust are good & helpful for him, and not getting him into trouble?  This is a BIIIIGGGGG deal!  In a marriage, you will need and pray for other wise voices, besides yours, to speak into his life!
• Is he dependable?
• Is he responsible financially?  Is he going somewhere with his goals?
• Does he attend church without you or he's been attending before you were in the picture?  What are his main interests and passions?  Is God a part of that (again, before you)?
• He doesn't have to be perfect (how many young men are???), but where is his HEART?  Does he have a heart for God?  Is he convicted of his sin?  Does he humble himself before God and YOU when he messes up?
• Does he have a relationship with God?  A strong one? You need to know that when he messes up (and he will! And so will we!), that although he may not respond to you and what you're saying, although he may not be changing right away...you know and can trust that God will GET HIM and GOD will change him! :)  Knowing that your man's heart is in the right place with God is a must!

Believe me, several years from now,  when you have kids and they need not only love and attention, but you want to give them a trip to the Zoo, throw a fun birthday party, to sign them up for a sport team, or get them piano lessons...all those things we don't always think about while we're dating, you want to know that your man is dependable and you can count on him to show up, to be involved and to help grow your financials needs!  You want to know that you can trust him, that he's receiving wise council from Godly friends, that he has boundaries at work, that he prays for his family...I could go on.  At that point, when you look at those precious children and the family you're building together, you won't care that he's charming or has Ryan Gosling's beard.  Lol!  You will want a life that is full of opportunity and experiences for your family!  You will want a life with a man you can trust.

So, girls, keep your dignity and keep your standards.  Know what you want and stick to it.  Ask for advice from Godly, older women!  Keep YOUR mind and YOUR heart close to Jesus.  He will lead you to a man with a heart for God who will cherish you, uplift you, empower you, keep you safe, and together give you a blessed and grateful life and legacy!

Find a man you can trust to build a LIFE with!

Xoxo, 

Allison

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